I Heart Actors

I work around actors everyday. Unfortunately that means I have to listen to actors, not only when they're talking to me but when they're sharing their inane thoughts with one and other. Let's say you decide to leave behind the burden of being paid for your efforts and become an actor. You may find yourself one day on a shoot (lingo) talking with one of your fellow actors but not truly understanding the deeper meaning of the conversation. Well this should help you understand just exactly what it is your scene stealing new friend is trying to say to you.

What are you working on now?
(Are you doing better than me?)

Have you ever worked on Law and Order?
(Are you doing better than me? OR Guess what I just got finished doing?)

How did you hear about this job?
(What casting service do you use? Are they better than mine? Should I use them?)

How long have you been doing this?
(Can you help my career?)

What's your day job?
(I need a day job is your place hiring?)

A friend of mine is making an independent film.
(My friend just bought a video camera)

Here is my card.
(Here is my card. Pass it along to someone who can help my career.)

Here is how things work on a professional set.
(The last time I got a paid acting job was ten years ago as an extra on Law and Order)

Give me a call sometime.
(Unless you have a job for me don't even think about bothering me)

Seriously I have nothing but respect for actors. I admire their ability to travel down the unsafe path and follow their dreams. I too tried it once, until I discovered just how much I truly sucked.

Regret

I regret a lot of things but most of all I regret my name. You see my middle name is Ian and I always thought that was a much cooler name then David.

When I was a kid I went to Catholic school. I tried to get the nuns to call me Ian but the problem was that Ian is not a Christian name and David is. So the nuns wouldn't call me Ian. Thus began a long hatred towards the church and the name David.

So even though I think it's probably too late I wouldn't mind if people started calling me Ian.

Escape from New York

Living in the city has it's downfalls, one of which is the difficulty just trying to leave the city. It's not a simple jump and the car and go but rather a well choreographed ballet synchronized in both time and movement.

The first challenge is just getting my car. You see I have to park in Brooklyn because it would cheaper to put my car through college then it would be to park in Manhattan. After work I take a subway from the village to the farthest reaches of Brooklyn. I go across the East River, past the abandoned Spike Lee sets, past the gangs and thugs all the way to a parking lot I believe is somewhere beyond Conney Island and nestled deep in the Atlantic Ocean.

Once I have my car I begin my journey through the outer boroughs, I believe I go through all of them at least twice in order to get back. Once on the island I enter into a death race with the finest cabbies in the world. I weave in and out of traffic until I'm safely outside my apartment, then I begin circlling the block for 8 hours looking for a parking lot. Finally, after I've run out of vacation time, I park in a garage.

Now that the car is parked I go upstairs to pack, fortunatly my possessions fit in one bag. With bags ready I stop by the hospital in order to donate a kidney so that I can pay for the parking garage, I would be a lot easier if the parking garage would take organs then I could cut out the middle man. I get my car double park then run upstairs for my bags.

Back downstairs I remove the parking ticket from my windshield get in and drive. Then I stop abruptly and spend the next three hours in traffic. Once through the tunnel I park on the turnpike and wait for my turn to go, and just hope that I'll make it to my destination before retirement.