My Own Scam Baiting

I'm not trying to be anything like the guys over at scambaiters.com, those guys are the best. However, I couldn't resist going after this one:

I was on craigslist looking at apartments when I came across a listing in Brooklyn for a one bedroom for 900. I couldn't resist such a fantastic deal especially one so close to an N train. Of course I should have used my better judgment, but I just had to try so I sent the usual query email. This is what I got back.

Re: Apartment
Wednesday, June 11, 2008 2:14 PM
From:
"anna2jenkins@aol.com"

To:
thelastslacker@yahoo.com

Hello,
Thank you for your interest. I have available the apartment located at 8235 4th Avenue Brooklyn, NY 11209, with 1 bedroom, 1 living room and 1 bathroom.I want to rent the apartment at this price because I moved with my job in United Kingdom, London. I can rent you the apt for max. 2 years because I have a contract here for this period. The rent for 1 month is $900 including all utilities (water, electricity, Internet, cable, parking, air conditioning, fireplace, dishwasher, garbage disposal, microwave, refrigerator). You can move in the apt in the same day when you receive the keys. The only problem is that I'm the only person who have the keys but I hope that we will find a compromise.Thank you for your interest and wait news from you.

So now the scam is officially on

Poor grammar, an out of town landlord, and fireplace aside, the big tip off came when she mentioned a parking space. You could spend a thousand dollars building your own parking space and someone else would already be parked there.

Here is my reply:

Re: Apartment
Thursday, June 12, 2008 12:08 AM
From:
"Dave"

To:
anna2jenkins@aol.com
I am very interested in seeing the apartment before I make a commitment. Do you have anyone near here that you could send the keys to? Or possible send me some more photos? I am very interested especially in the parking space as I have a very large car that needs parking.

Thank you

I'm really fascinated by the parking

If anyone has any ideas as to what I can do with this scammer please let me know. I'm sure they'll ask for a key deposit or possibly make me sign a lease unseen (or just ask for the deposit) so I may ask them to send me some forms that I'll need notarized for a small fee drawn on their bank. I'll be thinking up something while I wait for a reply.

In the meantime I'll keep you posted.

Here is a worthless use of my time

Brought To You By Adult Toy

It is good to know I've got an ok chance against a bear, and I can fuck up a house cat.

Golem Has Passed

My 12 year old Madagascar gecko has passed away. He was a 2 year old widower when I first got him, he had eaten his wife. He had traveled from Blacksburg to Winchester, and from NOVA to New York. As a young one he sat on my shoulder while I did homework, then when he got older he sat on his favorite fake branch and bit anyone that dared put a finger near him, except for me.


Today he had a burial at sea (The Hudson), so I took him on one last trek through the city. Along the way I decided to turn him into an impromptu art project. He would have wanted it that way. I don't have any pictures of him actualy going into the Hudson. I had to do that covertly so no one would think I was dumping a toxin into the river, as though anyone would notice.


Here is Golem's last journey:


























Golem: 1996 - 2008







Prints available in the lobby.

The Horn That Blew For Five Minutes

It wasn't an accident it wasn't on fire, it was just stuck in traffic right outside my window. A driver sitting at a green light blocked by the traffic that tried to cross decided that it might help the situation by laying on the horn for a full five minutes. At first I was annoyed but eventually that mutated into a strange admiration. Here was a man so annoyed with the fact that he wasn't going forward that he had to give voice to his disdain. Not in the typical slew of profanities that frequent such situations but in a slow steady obnoxious tone that seemed to be pointed directly at my window. For a full five minutes he gave noise to his rage, making sure all those around him were aware of his dissatisfaction. However, the shear force of his horn, the air emitting from it's mouth, was not enough to move the car in front of him. In the end only the patience of waiting for the light to change a second time was enough to clear the path ahead and send him on his way.

This is the end...

... you're not my friend so you're really not my only friend... the end.

So it finally happened, or rather I forced it to happen, but the old "M" and "C" less HP laptop is no more. After many a frustrating time typing without the afore mentioned keys, I finally launched the final fuck you in the form of a mouse to the screen. I admit I do let my anger get the better of me, but in my defence I was aiming for the wall and missed, at point blank range no less.

The old HP was no stranger to abuse. Besides those damn missing keys it had "fallen down" due to it's own clumsyness and not because it had refused to start up. And on one occasion I tripped over the cord and broke a speaker cover, that time it was an accident.

Forced to purchase a new computer I rushed over to the Mac store, that's right the Mac store. I am now a member of an obnoxious community of "serious" computer users. That's right no more cool games for me, now I'll be using the full video editing, photo manipulating, podcasting, abilities of my macbook to play Line Rider for hours on end and settle bets with the use of imdb.com. So even if I'm not using it's full capabilities it is nice to know that I'll have to ability to put together a documentary on the history of lint, or produce a podcast dedicated to independant movies of Chile (note I said that with the "a" sound at the end). Now if you'll excuse me I have an overwhelming desire to purchase a Venti Soy Latte from Starbucks.

The picture posted below have been entered into evidence...

But I don't want to be a hippie

I'll start off by saying I have nothing against hippies. I have nothing against anyone I believe you should live your life and not force your values on others, which is one of the many reasons why people confuse me with a common hippie.

Here are my other problems:

1. I have long hair.

2. I use organic cleaning products.

3. I have a beard.

4. With the exception of seafood, I don't eat meat.

5. I believe war should never be entered into until all diplomatic means are
exhausted. Ok so that ones not totally hippie like.

6. I would like nothing better then to live in a remote cabin in the woods and not
have to be dependent on others.

7. I believe all drugs should be legal.

8. I dream of being able to live off my own creativity.

So these are my problems. On the surface I resemble nothing more then you average hippie. I title I long to distance myself from, however, there are several things preventing this.

First of all my long hair and beard. I was not blessed with what some may call "good" genes. In other words I have no chin and without facial hair I look like a 12 year old girl. When I cut my hair short I look like the dorky side kick in a John Hughes movie. Consequently I am forced to cover as much of my facial features as possible.

Second my use of organic cleaning, and health and beauty products. This goes back to that "good genes" issue. I'm very sensitive to chemicals and perfumes. I'm starting to think my parents were related.

My decision to not eat meat isn't absolute. But I do have to watch what I eat because it's not hard for me to gain weight as I learned in college and there is a history of diabetes in my family, as well as alcoholism, and money laundering. I also never liked red meat all that much but I am from the Chesapeake Bay so I can't turn down seafood not now not ever. And for some reason when I smell bacon I must eat bacon.

As far as my views towards war and drugs I don't think my beliefs fall under the category of hippie but I would like to see one substituted for the other.

My dream to live away from society comes from living in New York. Believe me if you lived in New York for even a month you'd want to get as far from another living person as possible. I'm pretty sure my neighbors are in my shower and the subway stops at the foot of my bed. That's why one day when I have the money I'm going to buy a remote cabin surrounded by trees fill it full of guns and become that crazy legend every small town is required to have. That's why you'll also see those animal charity banner ads at the bottom of my page. Frankly I hate people. Not that people I know and like, but people in general.

Finally my choice to live a life devoted to using my own creativity. I've never been good at math.

So that's me and that explains me. I'm not a hippie but I can see how others would make that mistake. Fortunately I have a strong beliefs in the second amendment and a kitten pelt farm that usually sets people straight.

It Haunts Me

Everyone has that friend they stay with despite the pain they cause. Someone who monopolizes their time and leaves you with little reward. For me the monster is a script.

I've been working on this script 8 years. Not continually, I have left it for other projects and ideas. However, I always coming back to this monster in a box. Sorry for lifting from Spalding Gray but it was apperpoe.

I won't go into the details of the story but I will tell you that when it began it was a 40 page svelt young short. After years of rewriting it fattened up to 220 page obese spoiled child. I set it aside for a number of years then got back to it and turned it into a flat 100 page pile of nonsense.

Now I've issued an ultimatum. It has one month to turn around or I'm going to put it up for adoption or just flat out abandon it.

Removing an 18th level Gygax from your party

Geek blogs all over America will be posting their own mourning messages for the late Garry Gygax, Dungeons and Dragons creator. I only spent one summer in middle school as a paper Wizard and spent most of that time dying and being revived, that fucking magic missile ain't worth shit. It was my inabilities with the dice that kept me from being invited back the next summer, that and I kept yelling, "roll to see if I get laid."

Family

I am obsessed with this family.



I don't want to judge them. I mean really who the hell am I to tell other people how to live? But personally I think the idea of having that many kids is obscene.



That said my real question is how far down the gene pool can you go before things start getting a bit thin?

Will the 12th kid never have the ability to tie his shoes?
Does the 14th kid cry uncontrollably whenever someone uses the microwave?

Another thing, going by averages, 1 in 5 people living in America are gay. That means these good upstanding religious folk have two gay kids. I'm putting my money on 3 and 11.

My wife asked me how do you control that many kids. My wife was fortunate enough not to be raised under the thumb of Christianity. Christians have this great invisible babysitter called Jesus. Jesus is better then the boogeyman. If you instill the fear of Christ in a kid enough he'll grow up never wanting to enrage his invisible overseer. Hell if you're really good at piling on the fear he won't masturbate until he's 25. Of course by then if he there happens to be the slightest questioning of his faith he'll be loading up a Uhaul with C-4 to take out a Bob's Big Boy he believes to be an affront to Jesus.

I'm not casting any type of judgment but I just think before you start using your offspring count to brag about how many times you've had sex just think about how many unwanted kids are out there. Maybe the real Christian thing to do is take care of the lives already here first.

I Heart Actors

I work around actors everyday. Unfortunately that means I have to listen to actors, not only when they're talking to me but when they're sharing their inane thoughts with one and other. Let's say you decide to leave behind the burden of being paid for your efforts and become an actor. You may find yourself one day on a shoot (lingo) talking with one of your fellow actors but not truly understanding the deeper meaning of the conversation. Well this should help you understand just exactly what it is your scene stealing new friend is trying to say to you.

What are you working on now?
(Are you doing better than me?)

Have you ever worked on Law and Order?
(Are you doing better than me? OR Guess what I just got finished doing?)

How did you hear about this job?
(What casting service do you use? Are they better than mine? Should I use them?)

How long have you been doing this?
(Can you help my career?)

What's your day job?
(I need a day job is your place hiring?)

A friend of mine is making an independent film.
(My friend just bought a video camera)

Here is my card.
(Here is my card. Pass it along to someone who can help my career.)

Here is how things work on a professional set.
(The last time I got a paid acting job was ten years ago as an extra on Law and Order)

Give me a call sometime.
(Unless you have a job for me don't even think about bothering me)

Seriously I have nothing but respect for actors. I admire their ability to travel down the unsafe path and follow their dreams. I too tried it once, until I discovered just how much I truly sucked.

Regret

I regret a lot of things but most of all I regret my name. You see my middle name is Ian and I always thought that was a much cooler name then David.

When I was a kid I went to Catholic school. I tried to get the nuns to call me Ian but the problem was that Ian is not a Christian name and David is. So the nuns wouldn't call me Ian. Thus began a long hatred towards the church and the name David.

So even though I think it's probably too late I wouldn't mind if people started calling me Ian.

Escape from New York

Living in the city has it's downfalls, one of which is the difficulty just trying to leave the city. It's not a simple jump and the car and go but rather a well choreographed ballet synchronized in both time and movement.

The first challenge is just getting my car. You see I have to park in Brooklyn because it would cheaper to put my car through college then it would be to park in Manhattan. After work I take a subway from the village to the farthest reaches of Brooklyn. I go across the East River, past the abandoned Spike Lee sets, past the gangs and thugs all the way to a parking lot I believe is somewhere beyond Conney Island and nestled deep in the Atlantic Ocean.

Once I have my car I begin my journey through the outer boroughs, I believe I go through all of them at least twice in order to get back. Once on the island I enter into a death race with the finest cabbies in the world. I weave in and out of traffic until I'm safely outside my apartment, then I begin circlling the block for 8 hours looking for a parking lot. Finally, after I've run out of vacation time, I park in a garage.

Now that the car is parked I go upstairs to pack, fortunatly my possessions fit in one bag. With bags ready I stop by the hospital in order to donate a kidney so that I can pay for the parking garage, I would be a lot easier if the parking garage would take organs then I could cut out the middle man. I get my car double park then run upstairs for my bags.

Back downstairs I remove the parking ticket from my windshield get in and drive. Then I stop abruptly and spend the next three hours in traffic. Once through the tunnel I park on the turnpike and wait for my turn to go, and just hope that I'll make it to my destination before retirement.